I'm not the best writer, but I thought there might be a few interesting ideas in there that may be of benefit to those who haven't really thought about this kind of stuff before. It is mainly directed toward mothers with young children, though I think some of these things can apply to others as well. Since I go to BYU and we include gospel topics in our class discussions, I was able to include a gospel perspective in my paper as well. I think it has a bit of an abrupt transition from academic to gospel thinking, but I was glad I was able to include the spiritual side as well, because I don't think it would really feel complete without it.
Women today feel immense pressure to “do it all”: keep a clean house, raise well-behaved happy and healthy children, have a career, be active in their children’s school and the community, prepare healthy delicious meals, and support their husbands, just to name a few. It is not surprising that the levels of stress and maternal depression are on the rise for women in the home. In spite of this, it is indeed possible for women to be fulfilled in their maternal role. This paper will discuss five factors that contribute toward this sense of fulfillment: a positive self-image, realistic expectations, developing and rejuvenating oneself, receiving support from others, and making mothering meaningful from a gospel perspective.
Positive Self-Image
Depression is very common among housewives with young children. Housewives are negatively influenced by many of the stresses of life, including being dependent on others, conflicts between housework and child care, restricted lifestyle, and less intellectual stimulation than women who work outside the home (Spendlove, Gavelek, & MacMurray, 1981). Many women feel that their problems are a result of their own inadequacies, and blame themselves whenever something goes wrong. This can lead to a lower self-image and depression.
Specifically, people are more at risk of becoming depressed or of developing problems with their self-image if they perceive their helplessness as a reflection of their personal inability to control outcomes. In such cases, the individual feels he or she is the only person or one of the few who cannot cope with the kind of problem at hand. (Spendlove et al., 1981)
Changing one’s self-image from negative to positive is one of the most important factors in becoming fulfilled in one’s maternal role. This change comes about from realizing that the problems they face are common to many women who are in the same position that they are in. Women should understand that problems arise from stressful circumstances, not from their personal inadequacies. Lower feelings of inadequacy will lead to a positive self-image and will help women allow their unrealistic standards to be replaced with realistic expectations.
Realistic Expectations
One of the main obstacles that keep women from feeling maternal fulfillment is having unrealistic expectations. “It is not uncommon for the depressed housewife to want to be a ‘super homemaker,’ that is, to feel she ought to be able to enjoy and meet completely the many demands and expectations others place on her” (Spendlove et al. 1981). If this is the case, the woman should focus on redefining her role as a housewife in more realistic terms.
Unfortunately, it is generally assumed by society that the tasks of housework and child care naturally fit well together, when in reality they do not. Because of this assumption, “any individual who experiences difficulty in combining the tasks is likely to attribute the difficulties to her own inadequacies, without perceiving the impact of societal arrangements on the situation” (Olson, 1979). Housework has concrete and measurable end-results, while child care has much more emotional involvement and has an end product which is not easy to define. It is hard to find a balance between the two tasks; performing one can interfere with the other, there is not enough time and energy to fully do both, and most often they cannot be performed simultaneously. The belief that mothers should be able to combine them without difficulty causes stress and frustration for women. It is important for women to understand that this conflict between housework and child care is a common struggle. They can find comfort in the fact that it is experienced by the majority of mothers, and is a normal part of being a housewife. This knowledge can reduce feelings of inadequacy and increase confidence.
There are also demands placed on women from many different areas of their lives, and it is difficult to fill multiple roles all at once. President James E. Faust made this clear in a talk that he gave at a Brigham Young University devotional:
You cannot do everything well at the same time. You cannot be a 100 percent wife, a 100 percent mother, a 100 percent church worker, a 100 percent career person, and a 100 percent public-service person at the same time. How can all of these roles be coordinated? Says Sarah Davidson: “The only answer I come up with is that you can have it sequentially. At one stage you may emphasize career, and at another marriage and nurturing young children, and at any point you will be aware of what is missing. If you are lucky, you will be able to fit everything in.” (Faust, 1986)
Many women believe that they should be able to handle a number of roles simultaneously, and do it well. This is an unrealistic expectation that creates stress, disappointment, and negative self-image when their goals are not realized. Women can find happiness by filling a variety of roles throughout their lives. The important thing for them to remember is to not try to take on too many at once. They should be realistic with their expectations and honest with themselves about what they are capable of handling at different times in their lives.
Develop and Rejuvenate Oneself
It is important for women to gain a sense of personal identity that is separate from their role as wife and mother. This can be achieved by developing interests and goals that are separate from housekeeping and motherhood. These may be enjoyable and meaningful activities they used to be involved in before they had children. When the woman focuses on activities that are meaningful to her and finds diversity in her life, it brings a sense of control, and helps her gain a sense of personal identity. When this happens, “previously desired outcomes that were not realistic or attainable, such as being ‘super housewife,’ become less important because alternative interests have been developed” (Spendlove et al., 1981). Women who suffer from maternal depression may have difficulty with the concept of meeting their own needs, because they are convinced that their needs do not count. However, when women take better care of themselves, they are able to take better care of their families as a result.
It is important for women, especially those with many young children, to regularly spend some time alone, away from their children. “Mothers come up with a thousand reasons why they can’t take an hour a day to exercise, meditate, read, soak in a bath, do whatever it is that revitalizes them. But being totally selfless is really a neurotic condition” (Tannenhauser, 1985). Activities such as these rejuvenate women and replenish their energy supply, even if it is only for a few minutes each day.
In general, when a mother with many young children is able to spend time alone, she gains a sense of control over her life. Desired outcomes such as a more positive self-image or a greater sense of achievement are also enhanced. Each day that she has free time can help reinforce this sense of control in the woman who feels hopelessly trapped and overwhelmed by the prospect of raising her children at the expense of meeting her own needs. (Spendlove et al., 1981)
Spending time alone can bring a sense of control over life to the woman who feels trapped, but it is also a strategy to prevent feelings of hopelessness and being overwhelmed from developing in the first place. It is important for women to meet their own needs and take care of themselves, because it helps them have more energy and a better sense of control over their lives, which in turn benefits the family. They will feel better about themselves as a person, and will be much more likely to be satisfied and fulfilled in their maternal role.
Support From Others
Women who are fulfilled have good support systems. Sources of support can be their spouse, friends, parents, neighbors, colleagues, parents of their children’s friends, church leaders, or other support groups. “When you sit in a group and find out that everyone is feeling exactly as you do, you experience a sense of relief. Mental health is linked to the ability to give and receive support” (Tannenhauser, 1981). Having positive social ties helps women maintain realistic expectations and reduces stress, and also “protects them from a wide variety of emotional and physical states that are pathological” (Spendlove et al., 1981). Having good relationships with others can reduce feelings of inadequacy and increase confidence and positive self-image. Women with good support systems can escape from feeling trapped and helpless because they have someone supportive to turn to.
Another important factor of support is for women to be able to ask for their needs to be met by others. They should be able to communicate with their husbands in a way that makes it clear what her needs are. One thing women value is that their husbands understand their problems and feelings. This is an important form of support, though it may take some effort and communication on the part of the wife to help the husband understand. Women should allow themselves to ask for help when they need it. When others know what their needs are, they are better able to fill those needs. Women who feel valued and appreciated and have a good support system are likely to feel fulfilled in their maternal roles.
Making it Meaningful
A strong contributing factor to feeling fulfilled as a mother is making it meaningful. One outcome of family work that women value is care, and “they enjoy ministering to the needs of their loved ones and keeping the family going even if they do not enjoy the tasks themselves” (Thompson, 1991). Women feel valued and important when they feel like others are caring for them, or when they feel like they are taking care of others. When women focus less on the tasks themselves and more on the motives for doing them, they will realize the importance and worth of caring for their families. The tasks will feel less like drudgery and more like loving service.
Many women do not realize the divine nature of motherhood from a gospel perspective, and the important role they play in the Father’s plan for His children. They may feel that motherhood is second to the priesthood, though it is not so:
Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. As President J. Reuben Clark Jr. declared, motherhood is “as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.” (Dew, 2001)
Our Father in Heaven has entrusted women with the sacred responsibility of raising His children in righteousness, and helping them along the path to return to Him. “No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important or would ever say, ‘I am just a mother,’ for mothers heal the souls of men” (Dew, 2001). Women play a major influential role in the lives of their children, and through leading them toward righteousness they help build the kingdom of God.
Mothers may sometimes compare themselves to other mothers and feel inadequate, not realizing that individual mothers have different approaches to teaching and nurturing their children. They may not realize how some of the simplest acts can have a profound effect on their children:
Because of what is recorded in the hearts of the children by those who carry out their foreordained sacred mission of motherhood, I believe words similar to these will one day be heard: “Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For you nurtured my spirits and helped them to keep their second estate, so that they might have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever.”
And many righteous women will probably answer, “But when did I help prepare them? What did I do?”
And the response will be heard: “You baked a pie for your little boy to take to Mr. Black. You took a salmon to school. You took care of the bicycle in the driveway my way, and taught your little ones charity and patience. You went to the mountains and picked wild flowers. You knelt with your child in prayer. You stayed steady in times of trouble and storm. You made red pockets for your little girl’s dress.
“And inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these my children, you have done it unto me.” (Kapp, 2006)
Conclusion
Women today are faced with many demands in their roles as wives and mothers. Not knowing how to deal with all the stresses of motherhood can cause women to feel helpless and overwhelmed. Many people look down on being a mother and a homemaker, and some women feel degraded by these titles. However, this does not make it impossible for women to feel good about their maternal role. Through a positive self-image, realistic expectations, developing and rejuvenating oneself, receiving support from others, and making mothering meaningful from a gospel perspective, women can gain a rich sense of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment in their maternal roles.
References
Dew, S. L. (2001) Are we not all mothers? Ensign, November. 96.
Faust, J. E. (1986). A message to my granddaughters: Becoming “great women.” Ensign,
September, pp. 16-21.
Kapp, A. G. (2006). All kinds of mothers. Meridian Magazine. http://deseretbook.com/
mormon-life. April, 2006.
Olson, J. T. (1979). Role conflict between housework and child care. Work & Occupations,
6, 430-456.
Spendlove, D. C., Gavelek, J. R., MacMurray, V. (1981). Learned helplessness and the
depressed housewife. Social Work, 26, 474-479.
Tannenhauser, C. (1985). Motherhood stress. Woman’s Day, Dec. 26, 1985, 54-62.
Thompson, L. (1991). Family work: Women’s sense of fairness. Journal of Family Issues,
181-196.
No comments:
Post a Comment