Last Saturday was a grand adventure. It was possibly the last (or one of the last) Saturdays this fall that was clear, warm and sunny. Jolene and I traveled to Lagoon for a late anniversary getaway along with my brother Justin and his wife Lisa. We spent the day riding on some of the rides, going through the zoo and just lounging around enjoying the sites and different attractions.
We left in the morning around 9:30 and got to Lagoon right about when they were opening. Because we were there first thing we were able to go on many of the roller coasters and rides before many people showed up, which meant that the waiting time was almost nonexistent.
Going through the zoo was a ride, literally. We hopped on a little train that circled park of the amusement park and went through the zoo. The coolest part was when we were passing the tiger's cage and one of the tigers kept growling at us. It didn't look too happy at all to be there and not happy to see us, well at least Justin. :)
Being so close to Halloween, the park was decorated with fake ghosts and goblins and many employees were dressed up as scary creatures. They call this Halloween theme "Frightmares". Added on to the regular rides and attractions were extra Halloween attractions like haunted houses, games and even a corn maze. We had fun going through different haunted houses. They had one that was very dark and almost impossible to see while inside and they used different lighting effects and special effects in their horror scenes. There was also a haunted house that you walked through wearing 3D glasses and they used many different colors and images that looked 3 dimensional. The people in this haunted house were dressed in the same colors as the walls so they were almost impossible to see until you got really close to them and they moved.
We saw many cardboard cut outs around the park that we stuck our heads in and got pictures with. They turned out to be pretty amusing ones too.
After a day long full of rides, scares, ice cream shakes and amusement, we met up with some of our old friends from Brookings, Adam and Rachel. They with their 3 little girls talked with us for awhile and got caught up before we decided it was time to head home.
On our way home we stopped and ate at a Thai food restaurant called Thai Drift. This was honestly the best Thai Food that I have ever eaten. I got a dish called the pumpkin curry and Jolene got the pad Thai.
It was great to take a day to have fun and spend with Justin and Lisa. This was their first day since there 2 year old daughter Ella was born that they spent all day away from her. I think it was good for them to get away, but they were ready to get back to her at the end of the day. (Thanks mom for watching Ella all day!)
A little late in coming, but here are some pictures from my graduation in August. Thanks to everyone who helped me along the way and for everyone who came to support me!
As you may or may not know, Travis and I have moved! We upgraded from a basement apartment to a basement duplex, which is bigger, nicer, and includes our very own laundry and storage room. We both really like it, and I am especially excited about the laundry and kitchen- way better than our old place, and we actually have usable counter space! The church is right across the street as well so we don't have any excuse for being late. We still have some unpacking and decorating to do, but here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.
For the first time in my life, I celebrated Pioneer Day. There was a big Pioneer Day festival thing at the park right across the street from where we live, so we decided to check it out. We ran into Jeff and Tia there with their little ones. There is a small "pioneer village" set up there, with different log cabins and historical things you can go in and look at. There were even people dressed up as pioneers, explaining about the history of things. Next to the village they had some Native American dances, a pony ride and petting zoo, a car show, a stage with live music, and a bunch of tent/booths set up, similar to the farmer's market.
Later that night we went up to Spanish Fork where they had more booths set up as well as a carnival. We had fun walking around and checking out all the different things, but we didn't stay for the fireworks. Instead we went home and continued our Star Wars marathon! We have watched episodes I-IV, one a day for the last 4 days. Only two more to go!
Another cool thing that happened was that on Friday, we got to see the Wiggies! Rebecca, Erik, and their new addition Laurel graced us with their presence at the park. It was fun to have many of the Posse crew there for a little reunion. We love you Wiggies! It was awesome to see you again and we miss you already!
Also on Friday before the reunion, Emily and I went to the World's Largest Water Balloon Fight! We broke the previous world record (held by the University of Kentucky) by 25 people and 1000 water balloons, making it into the Guinness Book of World Records. It was way fun and extra crazy. Trav was at work so I'm extra glad Em went with me so I didn't have to be a loser and go by myself. When we got there, we signed in and then got to pick a shirt color of our choice: blue, green, pink, or orange. The shirt color determined the teams: pink and green vs. blue and orange. Emily and I were on the green team. The two teams were separated by a 10 foot strip down the middle of the field. Each person got a shopping bag full of 30 water balloons. There was a countdown, and then came the explosion of chaos. Balloons were flying everywhere, and even though we were near the back I still got soaked. I guess a lot of the people in front got hit pretty hard in the face, so maybe it's good we weren't up there. It was definitely a fun way to cool down.
I wrote a paper for one of my Family Life classes the other day that I thought I would share with you. The question that our papers had to answer was, "Is it possible for women to be fulfilled in their maternal roles?" In my paper I said that it was possible and gave a few suggestions of how to overcome stresses to achieve this. I think that it's really important for mothers to understand how important their roles are and to have a feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment from what they do, rather than feelings of drudgery, stress, and inadequacy.
I'm not the best writer, but I thought there might be a few interesting ideas in there that may be of benefit to those who haven't really thought about this kind of stuff before. It is mainly directed toward mothers with young children, though I think some of these things can apply to others as well. Since I go to BYU and we include gospel topics in our class discussions, I was able to include a gospel perspective in my paper as well. I think it has a bit of an abrupt transition from academic to gospel thinking, but I was glad I was able to include the spiritual side as well, because I don't think it would really feel complete without it.
The Way to Maternal Fulfillment
Women today feel immense pressure to “do it all”: keep a clean house, raise well-behaved happy and healthy children, have a career, be active in their children’s school and the community, prepare healthy delicious meals, and support their husbands, just to name a few. It is not surprising that the levels of stress and maternal depression are on the rise for women in the home. In spite of this, it is indeed possible for women to be fulfilled in their maternal role. This paper will discuss five factors that contribute toward this sense of fulfillment: a positive self-image, realistic expectations, developing and rejuvenating oneself, receiving support from others, and making mothering meaningful from a gospel perspective.
Positive Self-Image
Depression is very common among housewives with young children. Housewives are negatively influenced by many of the stresses of life, including being dependent on others, conflicts between housework and child care, restricted lifestyle, and less intellectual stimulation than women who work outside the home (Spendlove, Gavelek, & MacMurray, 1981). Many women feel that their problems are a result of their own inadequacies, and blame themselves whenever something goes wrong. This can lead to a lower self-image and depression.
Specifically, people are more at risk of becoming depressed or of developing problems with their self-image if they perceive their helplessness as a reflection of their personal inability to control outcomes. In such cases, the individual feels he or she is the only person or one of the few who cannot cope with the kind of problem at hand. (Spendlove et al., 1981)
Changing one’s self-image from negative to positive is one of the most important factors in becoming fulfilled in one’s maternal role. This change comes about from realizing that the problems they face are common to many women who are in the same position that they are in. Women should understand that problems arise from stressful circumstances, not from their personal inadequacies. Lower feelings of inadequacy will lead to a positive self-image and will help women allow their unrealistic standards to be replaced with realistic expectations.
Realistic Expectations
One of the main obstacles that keep women from feeling maternal fulfillment is having unrealistic expectations. “It is not uncommon for the depressed housewife to want to be a ‘super homemaker,’ that is, to feel she ought to be able to enjoy and meet completely the many demands and expectations others place on her” (Spendlove et al. 1981). If this is the case, the woman should focus on redefining her role as a housewife in more realistic terms.
Unfortunately, it is generally assumed by society that the tasks of housework and child care naturally fit well together, when in reality they do not. Because of this assumption, “any individual who experiences difficulty in combining the tasks is likely to attribute the difficulties to her own inadequacies, without perceiving the impact of societal arrangements on the situation” (Olson, 1979). Housework has concrete and measurable end-results, while child care has much more emotional involvement and has an end product which is not easy to define. It is hard to find a balance between the two tasks; performing one can interfere with the other, there is not enough time and energy to fully do both, and most often they cannot be performed simultaneously. The belief that mothers should be able to combine them without difficulty causes stress and frustration for women. It is important for women to understand that this conflict between housework and child care is a common struggle. They can find comfort in the fact that it is experienced by the majority of mothers, and is a normal part of being a housewife. This knowledge can reduce feelings of inadequacy and increase confidence.
There are also demands placed on women from many different areas of their lives, and it is difficult to fill multiple roles all at once. President James E. Faust made this clear in a talk that he gave at a Brigham Young University devotional:
You cannot do everything well at the same time. You cannot be a 100 percent wife, a 100 percent mother, a 100 percent church worker, a 100 percent career person, and a 100 percent public-service person at the same time. How can all of these roles be coordinated? Says Sarah Davidson: “The only answer I come up with is that you can have it sequentially. At one stage you may emphasize career, and at another marriage and nurturing young children, and at any point you will be aware of what is missing. If you are lucky, you will be able to fit everything in.” (Faust, 1986)
Many women believe that they should be able to handle a number of roles simultaneously, and do it well. This is an unrealistic expectation that creates stress, disappointment, and negative self-image when their goals are not realized. Women can find happiness by filling a variety of roles throughout their lives. The important thing for them to remember is to not try to take on too many at once. They should be realistic with their expectations and honest with themselves about what they are capable of handling at different times in their lives.
Develop and Rejuvenate Oneself
It is important for women to gain a sense of personal identity that is separate from their role as wife and mother. This can be achieved by developing interests and goals that are separate from housekeeping and motherhood. These may be enjoyable and meaningful activities they used to be involved in before they had children. When the woman focuses on activities that are meaningful to her and finds diversity in her life, it brings a sense of control, and helps her gain a sense of personal identity. When this happens, “previously desired outcomes that were not realistic or attainable, such as being ‘super housewife,’ become less important because alternative interests have been developed” (Spendlove et al., 1981). Women who suffer from maternal depression may have difficulty with the concept of meeting their own needs, because they are convinced that their needs do not count. However, when women take better care of themselves, they are able to take better care of their families as a result.
It is important for women, especially those with many young children, to regularly spend some time alone, away from their children. “Mothers come up with a thousand reasons why they can’t take an hour a day to exercise, meditate, read, soak in a bath, do whatever it is that revitalizes them. But being totally selfless is really a neurotic condition” (Tannenhauser, 1985). Activities such as these rejuvenate women and replenish their energy supply, even if it is only for a few minutes each day.
In general, when a mother with many young children is able to spend time alone, she gains a sense of control over her life. Desired outcomes such as a more positive self-image or a greater sense of achievement are also enhanced. Each day that she has free time can help reinforce this sense of control in the woman who feels hopelessly trapped and overwhelmed by the prospect of raising her children at the expense of meeting her own needs. (Spendlove et al., 1981)
Spending time alone can bring a sense of control over life to the woman who feels trapped, but it is also a strategy to prevent feelings of hopelessness and being overwhelmed from developing in the first place. It is important for women to meet their own needs and take care of themselves, because it helps them have more energy and a better sense of control over their lives, which in turn benefits the family. They will feel better about themselves as a person, and will be much more likely to be satisfied and fulfilled in their maternal role.
Support From Others
Women who are fulfilled have good support systems. Sources of support can be their spouse, friends, parents, neighbors, colleagues, parents of their children’s friends, church leaders, or other support groups. “When you sit in a group and find out that everyone is feeling exactly as you do, you experience a sense of relief. Mental health is linked to the ability to give and receive support” (Tannenhauser, 1981). Having positive social ties helps women maintain realistic expectations and reduces stress, and also “protects them from a wide variety of emotional and physical states that are pathological” (Spendlove et al., 1981). Having good relationships with others can reduce feelings of inadequacy and increase confidence and positive self-image. Women with good support systems can escape from feeling trapped and helpless because they have someone supportive to turn to.
Another important factor of support is for women to be able to ask for their needs to be met by others. They should be able to communicate with their husbands in a way that makes it clear what her needs are. One thing women value is that their husbands understand their problems and feelings. This is an important form of support, though it may take some effort and communication on the part of the wife to help the husband understand. Women should allow themselves to ask for help when they need it. When others know what their needs are, they are better able to fill those needs. Women who feel valued and appreciated and have a good support system are likely to feel fulfilled in their maternal roles.
Making it Meaningful
A strong contributing factor to feeling fulfilled as a mother is making it meaningful. One outcome of family work that women value is care, and “they enjoy ministering to the needs of their loved ones and keeping the family going even if they do not enjoy the tasks themselves” (Thompson, 1991).Women feel valued and important when they feel like others are caring for them, or when they feel like they are taking care of others. When women focus less on the tasks themselves and more on the motives for doing them, they will realize the importance and worth of caring for their families. The tasks will feel less like drudgery and more like loving service.
Many women do not realize the divine nature of motherhood from a gospel perspective, and the important role they play in the Father’s plan for His children. They may feel that motherhood is second to the priesthood, though it is not so:
Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. As President J. Reuben Clark Jr. declared, motherhood is “as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.” (Dew, 2001)
Our Father in Heaven has entrusted women with the sacred responsibility of raising His children in righteousness, and helping them along the path to return to Him. “No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important or would ever say, ‘I am just a mother,’ for mothers heal the souls of men” (Dew, 2001). Women play a major influential role in the lives of their children, and through leading them toward righteousness they help build the kingdom of God.
Mothers may sometimes compare themselves to other mothers and feel inadequate, not realizing that individual mothers have different approaches to teaching and nurturing their children. They may not realize how some of the simplest acts can have a profound effect on their children:
Because of what is recorded in the hearts of the children by those who carry out their foreordained sacred mission of motherhood, I believe words similar to these will one day be heard: “Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For you nurtured my spirits and helped them to keep their second estate, so that they might have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever.”
And many righteous women will probably answer, “But when did I help prepare them? What did I do?”
And the response will be heard: “You baked a pie for your little boy to take to Mr. Black. You took a salmon to school. You took care of the bicycle in the driveway my way, and taught your little ones charity and patience. You went to the mountains and picked wild flowers. You knelt with your child in prayer. You stayed steady in times of trouble and storm. You made red pockets for your little girl’s dress.
“And inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these my children, you have done it unto me.” (Kapp, 2006)
Conclusion
Women today are faced with many demands in their roles as wives and mothers. Not knowing how to deal with all the stresses of motherhood can cause women to feel helpless and overwhelmed. Many people look down on being a mother and a homemaker, and some women feel degraded by these titles. However, this does not make it impossible for women to feel good about their maternal role. Through a positive self-image, realistic expectations, developing and rejuvenating oneself, receiving support from others, and making mothering meaningful from a gospel perspective, women can gain a rich sense of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment in their maternal roles.
References
Dew, S. L. (2001) Are we not all mothers? Ensign, November. 96.
Faust, J. E. (1986). A message to my granddaughters: Becoming “great women.” Ensign,
September, pp. 16-21.
Kapp, A. G. (2006). All kinds of mothers. Meridian Magazine. http://deseretbook.com/
mormon-life. April, 2006.
Olson, J. T. (1979). Role conflict between housework and child care. Work & Occupations,
6, 430-456.
Spendlove, D. C., Gavelek, J. R., MacMurray, V. (1981). Learned helplessness and the
Today was the last day of my geography class. They told us that if we brought a food from another country, we could get credit for it to make up for a missed quiz. Naturally, the first thing that came to mind was cake.
This is a "Buche de Noel": a yule log. This is a traditional Christmas cake in France. It's supposed to represent a yule log for the fire. The powdered sugar is supposed to be snow, and the little mushrooms off in the corner are made from marzipan. Later I stuck them in, on, and around the log. This chocolate cake is made without flour, and is mostly made with eggs. To make it, you frost a sheet cake with chocolate whipped cream and roll it up into a log. I frosted the outside with chocolate butter cream, since I ran out of whipped cream. I am definitely looking forward to making more of these when the Christmas season comes around. :)
Goodness, it has been a long time since we've blogged anything, and since I finally got some pictures off my phone I decided that now would be a good time to share. I think that there are three main events that I would like to share with you.
Firstly, my extra lovely day at school. Last Monday was the beginning of BYU's "Choose To Give" week, where they promote a fundraiser for students to donate money to the school. 100% of the money raised is used to benefit students, and I believe they said that every dollar donated by students is matched by $5 from some external donating party, who's name I forget. Anyways, to promote this, there were a lot of C2G people in yellow shirts running around doing cool stuff. When I walked out of my class in the Spencer W. Kimball Tower (SWKT), they had a table set up where they were giving away free specialty drinks and "free tours to the SWKT roof, a once in a lifetime experience" and since I had an hour free I figured I had better get up there or forever live in regret. I rode the elevator up 11 stories, and then walked up a few flights of stairs to emerge on the roof. Now, the SWKT is the tallest building on campus, as well as in Provo, and since it was a pretty sunny day I was able to enjoy the view. The building in front here is the JFSB, and then the Tanner building, and farther back you can see the stadium and the Mariott Center.
Here is the library and Winkinson Center... and if you're a true cougar, maybe you can even spot the Y in the snow on the mountain.
My Adventure doesn't end there. See those people lining up at the tents set up down there? Once I descended from my lofty perch, I went to investigate. It turns out that they were giving out free hamburgers, free! This was extra fortunate, since the sandwich that my loving husband made me had gotten completely squashed in my backpack. I ended up going to the tent that was just out of view off to the right of the picture, and got a free hot dog. I sat myself down in front of the JFSB and watched a large group of students in yellow C2G shirts do a dance to loud music, and soaked in the sun. Then I went into the JFSB down to the basement for my next class, only to discover that it was canceled due to illness of the professor. That means that I got to go back outside and lay in the grass in the sun for another hour and listen to some good music. Another Best Day Ever!
Secondly, and more importantly, the day before was Pi Day! March 14 = 3.14. I happen to be the Grand Matriarch of the Religion of Pie since senior year of high school, and every year on Pi day we gather and celebrate by making a spherical pie. This year however, we did not plan anything in advance, so there was no gathering, except for my husband and I in the kitchen. Since I was lacking in ingredients, the 5th annual spherical pie (Provo edition) did not turn out as pretty as its predecessors. I didn't have enough crust to reach the top of the bowls, so it turned out much more flat than spherical. I didn't have much for the filling either, so I ended up using some chocolate pudding (using the pie recipe version), and to add volume some crunched-up Samoa girl scout cookies were mixed in as well. Before we joined the two almost-hemispheres together, we added some whipped cream just for fun. It tasted better than it looked.
Finally, here is a picture of my husband right before he went in to get an MRI. Why? Well, last Monday Travis started getting a headache, which he described as "pressure behind the eyes." His left eye also seemed a little swollen. Then on Tuesday, when we were at his grandma's house, I noticed that his eyes were doing something very abnormal. Every time he blinked, he would blink his left eye harder than normal, and his right eyelid wouldn't shut all the way, and at the same time that he blinked, his eyes would involuntarily dart to the left and then return. He didn't realize he was doing it before I pointed it out. It is one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. He has been doing it daily off and on for a whole week now. On Wednesday he went in to see Dr. Gibb, a throat nose and ear specialist, who gave him a CT scan (which renders a really cool 3D model of your head on a computer where you can scroll through all the different layers) and said it didn't show anything abnormal. After just barely getting on a health insurance plan (that was an adventure), Travis got scheduled for an MRI Saturday morning. The results were normal, so no tumors or anything like that, but his eyes are still acting weird. He can still see just fine, but he's really bummed that I won't let him watch TV, read, or play X Box, because he gets really bored. I'm just trying to be the good (mean?) wife and keep him in line. He's got an appointment with an optometrist on Wednesday, so hopefully we can figure out what it is.
